So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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