How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
