Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am midnight drunk by noon
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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