Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just had sex on a roof
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
