a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
