What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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