My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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