And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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