If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
