I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
