guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
