I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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