You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Randomize
