For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
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his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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