her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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