Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
