My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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