she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
