if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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