All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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