if i can run in heels then i can drive
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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