He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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