Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm determined to sit on that face.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
