omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
