i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
