ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
