I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
