I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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