He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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