If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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