I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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