Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
