We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
