your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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