the day after is always just damage control
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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