win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You can't just leave with hair like that
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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