Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
