I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
