Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
