i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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