before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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