I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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