my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
