the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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