Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
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