I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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