We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
