just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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