last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
