My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
