I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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