Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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