they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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