pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Houston, we have a squirter
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry about my life...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
