just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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