im having a threesome with these popsicles
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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